Just Like her Daddy...

Sometimes I forget. I forget that my life hasn't always been this way, that where I am now isn't where I've always been. I forget that I am a daughter of a broken home. Nights like this kind of jolt me back to reality every once in a while. I start thinking about what it used to be like, and how it won't ever be like that again. Even though I've known that for a long time now, sometimes it just hits me. I can't remember what it is like to have my daddy tuck me in and wake me up in the morning, then make breakfast for me, in the same kitchen as my mom. He does it now, but it's in his house, and in a bed I barely sleep in, and in his kitchen. I can't remember what it is like to have him there, everyday, for the normal stuff. I just feel so rushed when I'm over at his house, on "his" time. I think most divorced kids can attest to this feeling. You take advantage of just laying around your house with him there, not having to DO something to be "with" your dad. Now it feels like we always have to be DOING something. Most of the time I just wanna freakin lay around the house in my pajamas, watching tv with my dad or just hanging out with him. I just miss him so much sometimes. Just getting to be around him and have him proud of me. To be able to hug him whenever I want, just because I feel like it. I'm so sick of not seeing my dad for weeks, and having the feeling of missing someone!! You take for granted when he is there all the time. I don't want to have to miss him anymore, I want him to always be there! It's not fair. And I don't know why I'm feeling all emotional right now, but I don't care. I know this isn't going to change anything, and that wasn't my point. My parents are still divorced, and my dad still lives in Chesterfield. Soon, he will be moving to Mechanicsville, which is even farther away.

I started remembering this stuff because of a song. A new song, one that really fits exactly what I'm feeling, because listening/singing this song was what made me remember all this stuff. Remember that my little sister and brothers don't remember a lot of the stuff I do, when our lives were "perfect". It wasn't, but 10 year olds don't know that. It makes me really sad to think that, when my little brother grows up, all of his memories are going to be of going to visit daddy. Never knowing what it was like when he was there after school, or going into his office and messing with his things, or seeing him work with kids and change their lives, or playing baseball with him. He can have some of these things now, but it just doesn't feel the same. So much of that innocence is gone, and sometimes I really wish I was 7 again and could curl up on his lap or play Monopoly with him. I miss him I miss him I miss him. Knowing that I'm going to see him tomorrow doesn't help. I miss what I used to have. Which seems stupid to me, because I know I can't have it, but hey, a girl can dream right? I'm pretty sure this was just a ton of thoughts jumbling onto here, but I'm glad I let it out. I so rarely do. I'm not trying to say I would rather be with my dad than be living with my mom, either, because that isn't true. I'm very very happy with where I am. Sometimes I just can't help but to think about where i used to be.